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第755章 自我厌弃的鹤楠俊(1 / 2)

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苍烨豪这些年对他的默默陪伴,无私的付出,甚至为了给他寻灵药几次死里逃生,尽管苍烨豪每次都一副风轻云淡的表情,但鹤楠俊把这一切都看在眼里。

他的心也不是石头做的,细碎的感动加在一起,足够让他心动。也更让他心疼起苍烨豪的付出,当他发现自己竟然也心疼起这个男人的时候,他意识到自己早就爱上了苍烨豪。

可每次就在他要放弃挣扎,想跟着心走的时候,他想到了太多的不可能,心又退缩了。

他始终没有勇气迈出那一步。

所以每当他发现自己的心防有所松动的时候,他用疼痛提醒自己千万别被美好的假象给制服了。那美好的感觉都是假象,没错,他不断这样催眠自己。

所以他对苍烨豪的态度很复杂,也很矛盾。他明明很排斥苍烨豪的靠近,忽视他躲避他炙热的目光,更是不留情面的让他滚,厉声斥责他不要再到他面前晃悠。

可苍烨豪走了,时间长了,他心头又鬼使神差的想见到他,想他清洌冷厉的嗓音只对他释放温柔,想他握着自己冰冷双手时手上的温度。更是想他望着自己时眼里仿佛全世界只有他的深情。

等他发现自己又胡思乱想的时候,他又慌乱的唾弃自己的不耻行为,唾弃自己就是个坏种。一面期待且享受苍烨豪的温柔,一面又疾言厉色的冷着脸让他滚出他的视线。

所以有段时间他一直处在自我厌弃的情绪里出不来,心里的痛苦无人倾诉,折磨着他想在发病的时候一死了之。死了他就不会这么痛苦了,也不用纠结的活着,更不用怕被人知晓他的私心时的难堪。这个想法一出,就如魔咒般缠绕着他,像是被恶鬼扼住喉咙,无法呼吸。

所以三年前,那次他发病的时候没有吃任何灵药,没使用任何措施,更不让人知晓。由于他发病时只有个大概的时间,所以那次他预感到疼痛即将来袭的时候就打发随侍出门办事去了。他一个人安静的躺在内室的床上,安静的等待死亡那一刻的到来。

他痛啊,痛彻心扉,浑身逆流的血液像是找不到出口的猛兽般在体内横冲直撞,激的他口鼻鲜血直流,染红了身下那洁白的锦被。

他没有挣扎,就那么静静的躺在那儿,放任那极致的疼痛逐渐淹没他的意识。

不知过了多久,应该也过没多久,他知道没有活下去的信念他撑不了多久。

就当他意识模糊,陷入黑暗之际,他耳边依稀听到一声凄厉又压抑的嘶吼声,命令他张开嘴,然后就彻底陷入黑暗。

当他再次醒来的时候,睁开眼就看到胡子拉碴的苍烨豪和哭的双眼红肿的彤彤坐在他床边,都殷切的望着他。

他看到苍烨豪见到他醒来的那一刻,瞬间的惊喜溢于言表,接着猩红的双眼里大颗大颗的泪珠滴在他的手背上,滚烫滚烫的。灼烧着他的手背,也灼烫着他的心。

在他想伸手抹去那不断掉落的泪珠时。就看见苍烨豪在脸上豪迈的胡乱抹了两把,清了清嗓子。

用还带着几分沙哑的声音,嘴角含笑,语气轻松的说道,

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