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痛恨自己(1 / 1)

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几日来,都在努力调整心情和情绪,我不想在任何一个日子里再陷入绝望和忧伤之中,任何有损健康的行为都是不可取的,我的身体自己知道,它经不起再度的伤害。本打算带孩子一起去看你,但孩子似乎也在逃避面对伤痛,于是便不忍心,只好上班我一个人再去看你,不去看你心不安,去看你又伤痛多少日都无法平复,身体便吃不消。

我每天敬香之时都会虔诚地祈祷大慈大悲的观世音菩萨:给你安然而去,我知你已早生极乐,所以也算心安。给孩子健康快乐平安成长,给我们的父母亲人都平安健康,可以让我平平安安地健康地把孩子抚养长大,我就知足了。至于我的后半生是否能有人相伴,是否能够幸福,我不敢太多祈望,我怕太多祈愿会不能实现,所以我只祈祷你能安然而在,孩子和父母亲人能平安健康,我只求健康。

如今的日子看起来都是平淡的,也算是平静的,但每一个节日都是我不堪承担的痛!从你的生日开始,我便年年陷入忧伤中不能自拔,于是,每一年的腊月开始我就和着天气一起开始阴郁开始掕不清,开始陷入无边的黑暗中挣扎,虽然可以在所有人面前都露出一张微笑的脸,但没有人知道我的心承受的是怎样的折磨,这样无边无际的相思和无边无际的痛苦日日吞噬着我的心,直到你的忌日,半年的时间我都在苟延残喘,在努力不让自己陷入抑郁中,我花费了多少气力和精神来调整自己的心神和身体,也没有人知道和体会。

这份痛苦和挣扎只有自己明了。

我也在痛恨自己怎么可以如此深陷,如此不负责任?这不是辜负了自己的人生吗?我的任何不快乐都是对你的放不下,若你有知又如何释然?如何能安心远去?这样哪里对得起我们曾经无隙的爱情?若把身体搞坏,孩子谁来抚养?没有人可以代替父母的疼爱,你已走了,我无论如何都要完成我们该完成的责任,不是吗?

所以,请你帮帮我,帮帮我淡化了这份放不下的思念,淡化忧伤淡化苦痛,走出来开始自己的人生,让我把你放在心里,不再伤痛,想起来只留美好和温馨,好吗?

昨夜,半夜里,狂风呼啸,地动山摇,从不安宁的睡梦中被惊醒,起身去检查每一扇窗是否关好,打开卫生间的门,不再形成一个风的漩涡才不再风声鹤唳般恐怖,听到雨水洗刷窗户的声音。心忽然那么慌,那么乱,便是知道又一次陷入忧郁中,告知自己只是忧郁来犯,默读心经,在晕晕乎乎中入睡。

早上起床天似乎很亮快,这就犹如人生狂风暴雨之后仍然有晴朗的天空。走过去,便可迎接阳光,是吗?

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